It's 7am right now.
I've been up since 4:30am. It's 27 degrees and several inches of snow are on the ground.
It's really beautiful. Still dark though, so no photos yet. Funny, the first thing I think of is my camera when I see the snow.
I sit here staring at this monitor with about a million things to tell you, and I have no idea where to start. Which brings me back to my previous post about blogfriends/family. Have we become such a family that I now can't tell you certain things? What would you think? Would you disapprove of my thoughts? Will one of you think I'm talking about you? Will you feel sorry for me? Will you be proud or disappointed?
Unless you have an anonymous blog, how honest can you really be? I do realize our blogs are for us, and I also believe that most of my friends are non-judgemental. Even though, I don't believe that any of us can honestly say we don't judge. I'm pretty non-judgmental I think...but who knows when I'm presented with certain situations, what I will really think?
When I do write my posts, I do think about the reactions. Don't we all? Do you not go back and edit or delete? Rethink what you just wrote? I do it all the time.
I've had so many different emotions going through mind lately. There's a lot of conflict. Not bad conflict necessarily, but just conflict.
*
I'm not a social person by any means, so where I live is just about perfect for me. But I'm starting to miss those little get-togethers with friends. A stop at a coffee shop with a friend and have coffee and a scone. A stop at the local bar for a few margaritas. I miss that.
*
I love living in the mountains and forest, being surrounded by wildlife and the different seasons. But I also miss being able to run to the bookstore and wander around for hours. Or going to a bakery and picking out cute little pastries. Or, grabbing chinese on the way home.
*
I kind of miss knowing people in person. Sounds wierd, but you get it. I talk to almost everyone I know through my computer. Which, would normally be my main choice. I really don't like talking on the phone. I like being able to talk to you with my hair a mess and pj's on. It doesn't matter what I look like. My desk is an absolute mess, and at least always has one cat sleeping somewhere on it, but you don't know that, (well, now you do) and I bet you don't care. I like that.
*
Then there's just emotion in general. That's what I don't know how to talk about. My hubs has always joked that I'm more like a guy then a girl in the emotion/sensitivity department.
I'm not very emotional or sensitive. Even though there are a few out there that may know better than that. What's funny is that I don't normally show that side of myself, and when I do,I feel a barrier has been broken. I've let too much out. I can't take it back. Sometimes I suffer for that decision. So, it's easier not to even show it.
*
So, that takes me back again the whole idea of anonymous blogging. Would that be the easier way? To just start a totally different blog with some name like, ummm, Gracie Lou Frebush, and just spill it all out for the world to see? Would I feel better to just let it all go, because no one will know it's me? Or can I handle not having real friends give me their advice and opinions???
I'm not sure if I'd like that route. Or would I? Would you? Do you sometimes just want to let loose and release every emotion- anger, love, stress, lust, happiness, guilt,dreams?
*
Ahh..the inner conflict. :)
It's snowing again.....it's still dark and I need more caffeine. My brain is tired again.
**and don't start looking for that Gracie Lou Frebush blog...it's not there. Not yet anyway :)
13 comments:
OMG Leesa are you my twin?. I mean, we are both redheads *wink*. I so understand about the feelings thing. I have a hell of a time letting my feelings show. (Here and personal) I'm in the country but I can get to town pretty fast and I still don't have many friends. They find it crazy that I can go to the movies alone if they can't come or hubb hates the movie. Lots of times I go shopping by myself. I'll go to dinner alone if they can't come or if hubb is out of town. I have no problem with that except sometimes when I'm feeling TOO alone. Know what I mean by that?. I'm still new to this blogging thing. There are some really difficult things I need to write to maybe help me. I have problem with words and describing things. No etiquette here *giggles* But what I'm afraid of is actually letting them go. Not the judging part. These emotions and feelings have been buried so deep in me for so long to regurgitate them now makes me feel vulnurable and that my sheild will not be protecting me anymore. Gracie Lou Freebush.. when I read that I cracked up.. That's my little dogs name *giggles*. I love it though. BTW what are doing up so early?? :) Man I didn't get up till 9:30.
Leesa - I have SO MANY thoughts on this. So many that I know I won't sort them all out here in this one comment ... but I have to ask - here in Blogland, if you let your 'guard' down, your shield or protection - what's the worst that would happen? So what if you offend someone?? So what if someone judges you? So what ... to any of it? Why do YOU care so much what OTHER PEOPLE think? They are YOUR thoughts, feelings, etc. You're never ever going to please everyone ... so instead, please only Leesa - and I think you'll find that 99% of blogland will be behind you on your thoughts, feelings, .... or "be there" for you if you need/desire advice, or a friend, or a set of ears, or a phone call. It took me MANY MANY years to come to the conclusion of "so what" if someone else doesn't like me, or what I have to say, or if someone is proud of me or disappointed in me. So what. I can look at myself in the mirror every single day and say "Wendy, you ARE a good person ... keep it up." SO, so what if my barnacles don't appreciate me, or if someone here on blogland thinks I'm a stupid person or ridiculous or whatever. So what? Don't get me wrong - some days are easy, some days are hard ... some days I crave acceptance and don't get it - but I let it go and say "so what?" My mom always says to me, "Wendy, in the big scheme of life, what difference does it make? Will you even think of it in a year from now? 5 Years from now?" She's right - in the big scheme of life, So What if I let my guard down and someone sees something they don't like. That's THEIR problem, not mine. I'm 40 years old and it took me nearly all of those 40 years to get to this point - please learn from me - earlier than 40 - and just say "so what?"
Wow... incredible blog & incredible comments by Wendy & Kaliblue. I totally agree ~ it's so easy to let your guard down on blogland, but I know you're still hesitant to "let go completely". I feel the same way sometimes. Then there are other times when I'm completely at peace with my words. I have taken down 1 blog in my entire year and a half of blogging ~ and that was just the other day ~ my sex post.
My words are mine. I run the risk of my family & friends finding my blog. But I'm taking the chance.
Gracie Lou Freebush ~ that's too funny. I love that movie, btw.
Gal, is there anyone in town, or in your "far out" neighborhood that's somewhat your age that you can do some fun stuff with? Like take a day & drive to Idaho to that coffee shop or bookstore? I get antsy when I'm isolated for too long too. I need that human contact & it sounds like you need it too. I know your animals come first, that's why you don't venture out often, but maybe once in a while, you can go explore... & go have that margarita.
Maybe you need that anonymous blog. Maybe it will do your soul some good.
M~
Its much better when you feel you actually know the person you are blog stalking! But an anonymous blog might let you vent just a little more than you would knowing that people "know" who you are. Gee, did that make sense? LOL.
We all get in our funks. I love being with friends and family but there are times when I just want me space and get grouchy if I don't have it. As for living in the boonies? Revel in it girl, the city can drive you NUTS!!! But you already know that! At least you can drive to the city, enjoy it for a time but enjoy the fact that you actually have the solitude that you do! People are crazy!!!!
I've often thought of having an anonymous blog to do just that. But not get rid of my blog...just have another one floating around out there with a totally different circle of blogging friends.
It would be nice to just vent.
Well, vent more than I already do :)
Some great comments. And a great post. I love what Wendy said... I always try to tell myself that, too... in 1 year, will I care about what's bothering me? Will it matter in 5? I do that all the time, and it tends to take the emotional pressure off the moment/issue.
Everyone is wired differently, and we all come by our baggage honestly. But what we do with it matters. If you're not always comfortable with the vulnerability of emotions... the blogging world is a great way to practice it safely! It's like trying on a new hat. A big emotional hat with ostrich feathers and bows and buckles and sparklies. Er, where was I? Oh yeah, a safe place to experiment. I like that Wendy said So What. I like to think of the blogging world as a place where I can be as near to perfectly me as I can... so when you connect with people, it really is up to you how sincere and deep the connection is...measured by how much of you that you choose to feel comfortable showing.
And I will add... that I totally relate to what you said about poster's remorse... "Oh, I shouldn't have said that. They may think badly, misunderstand, etc." That's never going to go away. So what to that too! On some days, you'll have brave moments, and others you'll feel more reserved. But I'll bet you that most of the people who read your blog would not respond judgmentally to anything you say. Heck we all have family members that we love, for example, who have divergent life views. "Don't talk about Sicentology around Uncle Ted." People accept that. No worries, be you, be happy. ~S
I actually started blogging because I had real-life friends from HS who were into it - and I wanted to get in on HNT's - and then met more interesting people as a serendipitous bonus. People like you.
Be yourself. Allow others to be themselves. Accept yourself for your gifts and grant that freedom to others. If we were all 100% in agreement, what a bland, vanilla world that would be.
Not that I would want to offend the vanilla lobby or anything...
Besides, if anybody really posts something you dislike to your blog, you have the power to delete it. Absolute editorial authority. How cool is that?
You guys are absolutely right. Who cares what I post right? If they don't like it , move on....of course easier said than done..but I'm getting there.
Thanks much, everyone.
Geez--all I was going to say was "cool template".
Big hugs to Gracie Lou from afar. Wish we lived next door so we could share a cup of coffee/tea.
Darn right, you post what you want its your blog. So you tick someone off, that's their problem they don't have to come back. Your views are your views and everyone is entitled to that.
I don't post under my real name for a variety of reasons, and as a result very few offline people know of my blog. It does help me to be less hesitant about posting my inner feelings, but I always use pseudonyms and there's a limit to how much I'll reveal.
I live in NYC, but I too find it hard to connect with many offline people. I'm not great at small talk, and I feel like bloggers often cut to the chase more in terms of their ideas and feelings on stuff that matters.
Post a Comment