I wanted to reply to all your comments left on my "Monday Meme" post, but realized it would be too long, so I decided to just post on it.
I thank all of you for your wonderful words, and I do take all of them to heart.
I do realize that my Mother had it rough. She was 19 when she had me, had my sister 5 years later. There were no Dads in the picture. I'm pretty sure she had no idea what she was doing. She raised us on a waitress income. I realize that's rough. I'm not ignoring that at all.
She was an alcoholic before I was even born, so she had burned a few bridges in her life already, so no family help when she needed it.
I know she wasn't happy. I do believe that that was taken out on us.
I don't hate my Mother by any means. But, I don't have a relationship with her either.
I used to hate her. I used to blame her for everything. But that is all gone. I learned that this is my life and that it's my decisions that will lead it whereever it goes and I was not going to use the old" I'm this way because of my parents" line. I don't believe in that at all. We make our choices.
Again, while reading Greekchickie this morning, I realized we had something in common. I never wanted children because I was so afraid that I wouldn't know how to treat them or love them. I never wanted a child to live my childhood. I didn't think I had that mothering instinct.
I'm still not sure. I don't do well around small children most of the time, but that certainly isn't an oddity. Of course give me an animal and I treat them with better care than I do myself.
I might look into some of the books you guys suggested yesterday. But, just so ya'll know, I don't let this affect me today. Or at least I don't think I do. I have a great life. I'm happy. I do have some issues, one I feel being a little distant with some and maybe even a bit insensitive. I definitely have some self-esteem issues, and those that know me well already know that. I'm working on it :)
As I said before, I don't have much of a relationship with my Mother now. We may talk once every few months. Her lifestyle has not changed, she has never had the desire. (another thing that always bothered me). She goes from job to job, home to home, and I'm usually the one that has to help in some way. I will not support her, or her habit. But I do feed her animals most of the time. Ugh..I'm going way off again aren't I?
Anyway, to stop all this rambling, thanks for your replies, I really loved all of them. I'm okay, my sister will be okay. We're all we have, and we do the best we can :)
9 comments:
I never wanted children either, but I'm very glad that was pretty much taken out of my hands and I was blessed with the two I have. As it turns out I learned from my past and I am a very good parent. I have broken the cycle of abuse.
I was lucky. After my step father passed away I got a chance to be close to my mother. So for the last 11 or so years I was very close to her and things were good.
There are so many different family situations. My sister was just like your mom, only it was drugs. And so I understand what you mean when you indicate you eventually got to this place where you don't have animosity toward the person; you just regard them with distance, and help in ways that don't torpedo your own boat.
We certainly *all* have insecurities and issues... and there are a helluva lot of people who went through less than you who rail against and blame the world. So you seem pretty balanced to me. :)
~S
I often wonder if I will ever have children as well. I've had my share of issues and don't want to pass them on or worry they'll make me a bad mother, but like you said, give me an animal... :)
You've been thru a lot, but you've managed to overcome the bad parts of your life. For that, you can be grateful. I think society puts too much pressure on women our age to have kids ~ just because it's "time". Well, sometimes the time will never be right. And that's ok.
Hugs, Leesa.
M~
Remember, I’m the one who announced to her senior class at graduation rehearsal that I was getting my tubes tied. I never wanted another soul to hate me the way I hated my mother. It wasn’t about whether I would be a crappy mother or any child of mine would have a crappy life. I never wanted that kind of hate directed at me. And then years went by (8) and I fell in love and married and had children, probably out of ignorance. Trust me, at the 10-year reunion I heard a lot of “Someone mated with that woman?” And not that I would ever want or try to persuade you or Greekchickie to have children, it is through my children that I learned about my dysfunction. I wanted to learn how to heal, how to be a better mother for them, and it turned out I got better for me! I’m not sure if I would have taken the time and trouble to dig that deep and heal and forgive if it were just for me. My children made me a better person. And funny, they don’t hate me. They even kinda like me.
In our own ways, it looks like we have all broken the cycle of abuse.
You're an inspiration Leesa...in so many ways. Again, thank you for sharing with us! Have a Happy Day! Stacie
ps..you and your sister are so cute in that picture! :)
My mother had very few maternal instincts. It still shines through in the way she grandmothers.
I worried about what you did as well and there's something about it when you've been though "junk" and then you see your kids for the first time...it's magical. (that sounds so stupid...)
But as always...each person knows their situation the best. Just from reading you though I get the feeling that you have a great deal of compassion and a love for life which makes you a warm person whether you decide to have children or not.
The Kept Woman is right - each person knows their situation best. But, having my child was indeed 'magical' -- and I don't think it sounds stupid at all. Of course, I wanted her - desperately - and my clock was ticking away due to some medical issues (that have since been resolved) so when I learned I was preggo - I was thrilled and I began loving her at that very moment. Leesa - I don't doubt for one peepin' second that you'd be a good mom. You are a great mom to your pets -- which means you are compassionate and loving. (not comparing pets to kids ... well .. .guess I sorta am!!!) ... but you already are well aware of your 'issues' (we ALL have them) and your wonders and your doubts. I know that since you are aware, you'd never put your own child (or any child) in a life that you hated. You'd just not do that to your child. It's people who deny or are oblivious to their issues - who are full of anger and misery that project it onto their kids. Not saying you SHOULD have kids -- just saying that IF it happened, you'd be just fine. :~)
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