I've been reading some drama in Flickr today. I suppose I shouldn't link since it's not appropriate and not my problem.... but the subject is interesting.
So&So was friends with So&So... ONLINE.
They exchanged emails, phone calls, etc. Friends for quite awhile although never met in person.
One day.. all of a sudden #1 So&So decided to distance themselves from the Flickr society. Which also meant most of their Flickr friends. Adios.. bye bye. You're not my friend any longer.
Of course, and I can certainly understand, #2 So&So took offense. "Am I disposable?". "Am I not a 'real' friend because I'm online?" It goes on and on....
#1 So&So responds, defensively of course, that that wasn't the case and that their interests had changed and that wasn't what they were into anymore. Not much more explanation. But, they did in fact, delete most of their "friends". Again.. no explanation except, "I'm downsizing, don't take it personally". Umm..okay.
Now I'm not taking sides... I'm certainly no expert on friendships, online or not. I do think I'd have the same hurt feelings being 'disposed' of. But.. I've heard this topic before...
"Online friendships aren't tangible".. I've heard.
I'm not sure how to feel about the statement, as I can certainly admit that I've had the feeling that online friends are just that... in that little box, online. I don't feel them as disposable or not a friend, but certainly at a distance.
But maybe I'm that way because I'm always alone and tend to put up that barrier anyway.
I have been on the receiving end of being 'dumped' online. It hurts. You do feel 'disposable'. People's lives get busier, or dramatic, and the first thing to go is the online world. But.... there are friends there, as I have learned.
I realize I could possibly sound a little hypocritical, being that I haven't been here much lately and I haven't chatted with my friends online in ages. But it certainly wasn't because I have a life on the other side.
And I certainly didn't feel as if these people weren't real or important. Actually, I think it was the exact opposite.. "I" didn't feel real or important anymore. Did they feel disposable?
I'm not sure where I'm going with this really, except that I have felt disposable and I've certainly been disposed of. But I guess it opened my eyes a bit that hopefully I haven't made anyone feel disposable.
I'm copying a comment I saw today in this Flickr drama:
**Thanks for the reminder that on the other end of every icon/comment/fave etc. beats the heart of a living, breathing, person.
12 comments:
Thanks for sharing these words. I wonder about that as well. Like you, sometimes I just withdraw to give people a break from me.
This is a very interesting post. I'll have to think on it for awhile.
Hard to respond to this one. While I'm only aware of one instance where I've been "dumped", I'm sure that there's plenty of others that have sort of let things slide. And I'm certainly in that category as well. But by the same token, I'm not the type that has to chat on a daily basis with someone online to consider them my friend, and vice versa. Otherwise I wouldn't keep coming around here! :-P
However, going to the point of deleting a group of people, and being told "it's not personal...", well, I don't quite see it the same way as that.
This post really opens some interesting thoughts. I think everyone has pulled away at one time or another, life gets crazy, things happen and as you said the online world goes first. I've had to do it myself...BUT even when I do that, I try to keep in touch via email or a quick log in to say hello, how are you. A phone call for those that I have numbers for etc...there are ways to keep in touch and let people know you're thinking of them. Of course not that I've said that, I can name about 5 people I've lost touch with in my moves...people I knew face to face and don't keep in touch with. I really really HOPE I haven't ever made them feel disposable, but sometimes I just suck at keeping in touch. I think another difference here is when you "dump" an online friend, they KNOW it...you get a message "you are no longer a contact" or you can SEE that you have been deleted from someones account or blogroll...that's kind of "in your face" you know? It's saying it out loud..."you're not worthy of being my friend" "you are disposable" at least with distance there's that connection still..it hasn't been cut. You know?
I can see both sides of it as well, but totally relate to the feeling of being disposable. It's not a fun feelig.
Stacie
Interesting details.
It just continues to reinforce my blanket statement about life ( & I guess people), "they are weird".
Interesting, but weird.
I always love reading a string of posts... that has drama. Quite interesting to say the least.
Even though I am not 'close' to alot of people around the online community... I do get hurt if I am deleted. Or someone just disappears. I think I am the opposite... I think the people online are more my friends then in the real world. You are always here. At any time of day or night.. I know I can come online and write something and know (hope) someone reads it. But I also read others... so that kind of puts me in touch with someone else... without them really being online. you know what I mean...
I never chat. I would love to. I am online enough... but I just can't force myself on someone. I am so shy... that even chatting is to much. Heck, most of the time I end up deleting my comments, before posting them. But that's just me.
I love the quote you copied... it's sooooo true!!!
Stacie said it....life gets crazy sometimes. That's where I am right now. I haven't been around much lately either....and I find myself feeling really guilty about it too.
You will forever be in my heart. Well, you and your hot tub. LOL. No dumping here. :-)
Friendship is what one makes of it.
I can't say anything about flickr world. I have not even physically logged on to flickr in probably well over a month. This project has kicked my butt & I just cannot find the time in the day to log on & look at photos. I DO miss it & I hope I can get back to it soon ~ but right now, the focus is on finishing.
M~
Living in the world of the internet gives us such a different perspective on life and friends. When you are talking about a real world friend, its quite conceivable that they might get busy and they might begin to pursue other interests. They may have new jobs or a new person in their life, or a child, or whatever. All of the sudden the time spent playing golf, or cards, or going to a movie has to be spent somewhere else.
Here is different. We all share the same interest in computers, and projecting an online presence into the world, otherwise we would not even turn the thing on. I sincerely doubt that anyone who has delved deeply enough into the online world that they would begin to frequent a blog, or post a reply, or make friends online, is someone who can just walk away from the computer. I use one at work every day. I check my E mail every night when I get home. I play online games when I have the time. I spend more time in front of a computer than I do in front of a TV.
I do not beleive in disposable friends. I beleive that this venue allows us to do things that we would never do in real life. It is possible to just ignore an e mail, or place yourself on invis with IM. You can't do that when you run into someone at the market.
You cant do that when their kid and your kid is on the same team.
The internet sharpens feelings, but dulls the sense of consequences.
It is too easy to pretend that the person on the other end isn't real and doesn't have real feelings, and doesn't cry real tears.
Maybe the delete key shouldn't be so close to the "enter" key.
I don't know where I am going with this...sorry for the ramble
Peace
Troubador
wow.....get up a little late....& i miss all the drama =)
as for me..well ..i know i havent been blogging..not even sure people stop by to read anymore....but i will tell u my online "friends" u included...mean more to me in some aspects than my non-online friends...not sure why that is? but i think it has something to do with being able to be "me" with more ease...i have become so much more of a recluse regarding getting out into the world....no job...& working on the PhD kinda created this cocoon of comfort that is my online life....& yes it does hurt when u get deleted, dropped, blocked...
=)
Excellent post and a very valid point. I think one of hte difficulties is that when one's life becomes 'chaotic' in some respect it is 'easier' to let an online life go a little. That isn't t say it is dosposavle or unimportant, it's just easier than backing off from face to face firnds if we needs spece for a time.
As an individual I feel my online friends are as improtant as those 'on the other side' but I hope we have enough understanding of one another in tough times to understand temporary 'disappearances'. I for one explain that if I'm having a tough time I might 'hibernate' for a short time.....that however is very different to just 'downsizing' ones friends....I would feel hurt to be 'downsized' certainly.
Maybe the trick is just for online communites to understand the basic principle that if something has to 'give' temporarily then it's likely to be the internet, one way or another....simply, one can't ignore a crying child or a burst water main but a computer can be left turned off if life is hectic.
p.s. ooops, sorry....my typing has got no better! ;o/
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